Plate Rape

It’s vulgar but its true, dining etiquette has been thrown out the window for the new fad in eating–Plate Rape. Plate Rape makes those of us with even a modicum of civility in our veins cringe and grow slightly nauseous while we are trying to dine. The constant open mouth chewing, finger sucking, vacuum like consumption, and apparent lack of a napkin leads me to believe that Plate Rape is mankind’s way of reclaiming their primal hunter-gatherer instincts when presented with that rarest of commodities–food.

I know a lot of Plate Rapists and I know that you do too. It will surprise many of you to know that they are not cavemen or Mongols recently thawed from a slab of ice but actual human beings that were born and raised in the last century. I say this because I have to keep reminding myself of such when I am dining with them.

The biggest crime of the Plate Rapist, other than their abominable table manners, is their ability to make you feel as though you have to rush through your meal as well. They finish their meal when it hits the table and then look at you as though you’ve sprouted testicles on your forehead because you’re still chewing your first bite! So, invariably, you begin to gobble your meal as well. You don’t chew as fully as you would like and the flavors, the flavors being the primary reason you ordered or made what you are eating, fly by your senses quicker than the fluctuations of Oprah’s waistline.

It would appear that there is no cure for Plate Rape. I mean, you could avoid the Plate Rapists in your life, but that is easier said than done and we all know it. Dining etiquette is not something that is easily forced upon anyone but the young, and most adults are insulted if you dare to comment upon their dining habits. I think a Clockwork Orange solution would almost be the best.

Is Plate Rape a result of a world with an overabundance of convenience foods that you can buy ready-made, read-to-be-nuked-and-eaten-in-minutes, and wrapped and cooked in nanoseconds by a pimply teenager or ex-con? Has the decrease in time to make such shit food made Plate Rapists decrease their appreciation for food? I have no idea nor do I care. I just want these f***ing slobs to take a breath, chew their food, appreciate the subtle textures and flavors inherent and for the love of Emily Post, use a damned napkin!

Anything you want is justified

I recently (days ago) made an outrageously priced purchase in which I found myself making excuses for myself to somehow justify the price. The item in question was an amazon kindle 2, so I found myself saying things like, “Oh, I’ll reduce my carbon footprint by not buying books”, “I’ll save SO much space by not having more books lying around”, “the cost of books on the kindle is substantially cheaper for new releases”, “I can download textbooks on it so it can be used for classes and/or references!”, etc. Sure, I could have bought the nearly half-priced Sony Reader, but I was able to talk myself out of that one by telling myself that they didn’t have nearly half the selection of books that amazon has (lies really, since Sony has open format reading and could offer a larger selection). In the end it occurred to me that if I wanted the damn thing bad enough to make excuses for the purchase that I should just get the damn thing and have no regrets about it.

And that brings us to you, the reader. I know there’s something that you want so bad that it hurts you to see it in the hands of another person. I know that you’ve managed to talk yourself out of it as either impractical, too expensive, or something that you don’t have room for. I know that you secretly research it ad nauseum to both pine over not having it and to look for the teeny flaws in it that others have noted that will somehow make you think that you don’t want it. I know that right now you’re thinking of that item and how nice it would be if it were yours. I know that it’s driving you insane that Darla, that bitch from accounting, has one and she doesn’t even deserve it as much as you.

So, to make your purchase easier I have decided to address all of these concerns for you in a way that will surely justify your purchase and give you greater happiness in owning material goods.

1. How can you not deserve something that you want? You’re not 5 anymore. No one can withhold anything that you truly desire. Just buy the damn thing!

2. Who gives a shit what other people have not liked about it? What do YOU like about it? That’s all that really matters. Screw those other naysayers. Just buy the damn thing!

3. Nothing is ever too big, too impractical or too expensive. You can always make room, make excuses (like you need to), or make more money later. Just buy the damn thing!

4. Keep thinking about it! Only now that you’re thinking about it, get out your fricking credit card and just buy the damn thing!

5. Screw that bitch from accounting. You and I both know that she had to blow someone to get it. Hell, she probably drinks the blood of babies and hurts puppies for fun! You know you deserve it WAY more than that c**t. Just buy the damn thing!

6. If you’re still making excuses–JUST BUY THE DAMN THING!!!!!!

7. How many lives are you planning to live? I hear you hippies yelling about reincarnation–shut the hell up! I mean how many lives that you can remember living??? One? Cuz that’s all you’ve got at the moment. Just buy the damn thing!!!

8. And finally, just buy the damn thing!

I hope this helped you to justify your purchase–no matter how outlandish it is. If anyone questions your judgment just tell them that, “Bobby said it’s fine, and f**k you anyways”.

Stomach flu is a myth

I am sad to report that there is no such thing as a stomach flu. In fact, other than the lungs sort of being above the stomach, the stomach and the flu virus have nothing to do with each other. I hear you naysayers screaming, “There is so a stomach flu!”, and to you I say shut the hell up. No. There. Isn’t.

There are stomach viruses. Yes, the flu (an upper respiratory tract infection) is also caused by a virus. This does not mean that they are the same thing. The common cold is also caused by a handful of viruses but we don’t mistake that for a stomach virus now do we? I’ve never heard anyone say, “I’ve got a stomach cold.”

Now, I am begging everyone. Seriously, I’m BEGGING, quit using the phrase “stomach flu”. You can have the crud, involuntary bulemia, a bug, whatever! Just quit calling it a damned flu because that’s not what you have!

FO Crystalline Shawl

Fresh off the needles this morning! I maded this for me ma. She was so worth the stabbing pains in my wrists.

Pattern: Crystalline Shawl by Jade Sapphire
Needles: US sz6 Addi Natura
Yarn: Mountain Colors Bearfoot in Moose Creek colorway (about 1 2/3 skeins)

Full shawl laid out after being unpinned.

Close up of upper portion.

Close up of lower portion with edging.

Notes:

I started this shawl about two weeks before school started (about the end of August). I zipped through the first half in one weekend, and then I just sort of picked it up here and there when I thought about it or had time. This is a painfully easy pattern. Nonetheless, I still managed to fudge things here and there. My biggest mistake made was forgetting a yarn over now and again. As long as I caught it on the next knit or purl round, it was simple to pick up a YO as if it were never missed.

The only alterations made to the pattern were the dropping of the last 4 rows of pattern on the wide bottom edge. Reason? After knitting back and forth on 300+ stitches for what seemed like fricking FOREVER I was just sick of the damned thing and wanted to be done with it. The edging as written did contain two mistakes, and that was remedied by placing an extra decrease on the rounds where it was SUPPOSED to be decreasing to make the points (or I suppose valley).

Blocking this thing was a pain in the ass. It took about 4 false starts before I was finally able to get everything where it should be. Despite the few quibbles this was still a fun, slightly mindless pattern to knit. I’d definitely suggest for anyone that was just venturing into lace and wanted something more challenging than, say, Branching Out.

This is supposed to be therapeutic, right?

My, my, my–where the hell did the last few months go?! For those of you out there paying any attention, I am still alive. Working + School = NO LIFE, though I’m sure you’ve already heard the gripe before. Knitting? A scarf. Yes, in three months I have knit A scarf. The only reason I was even able to knit that scarf is because I did it while sitting with my gramma at her death-bed. (Is that supposed to be one word?) I did the same thing with my grampa, only that was a pair of socks (first socks, in fact). Anything to keep my mind elsewhere, I suppose. So yeah, a couple of weeks ago my gramma also passed. It was a very, very peaceful passing though, so there wasn’t quite the upset like when my grampa died.

SO yeah, I’ve been mulling over the fact that two seemingly permanant fixtures in my life are now gone. Really, together they made one big fixture, so it’s even more awkward. How random and depressing, I know, but there you have it. I’ve been up to nothing fun. School, Work, and Death (and Life too). What have the rest of you been up to?

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i give you this pic of me spinning. That’s it. I know I havent been around, I’ve just been busy as hell. SO busy I havent even been knitting really.

ps anyone have any clue what the fuck the “world renound” triple lindee patern” is thats being left as spam everywhere?

who?

Guess who’s not dead? Me!! I’m making a bulleted post because I’m frigging tired and lazy as hell. If you’re looking for pictures, then I’m terribly sorry to dissapoint, but there arent any.

• There has been knitting! Heathers sock is on the grow (I’ve been knitting on it when I can in class and on breaks at work), and becaue I hate myself I’ve started that other scarf that I’m pretty sure that mentioned a post back. Or maybe I didn’t. It’s gonna be hawt when it’s done!
• Being a retail slave isn’t as terribly as I thought it would be, even if it pays jack-shit. The minimum wage in WI goes up to 6.50 on the 1st of June so here’s hoping that I get to see a pay increase! I”ve been working eleventy billion hours, but it’s my own fault. Training is sparse in the land of retail apparently, so I would have to ask to come in on my days off so I could work and learn new things. I hope you all get to enjoy your holiday weekends, because I have to work all of mine. :-(
• I hate myself for it, but I may have to drop out of the Sweaters From Camp Knit-Along. Fair Isle just wont be happening for me at this point in my life, unless its something smaller. I’ve decided that if I don’t get everything cast and readied within the next week or so, that I’m going to concede and use the yarn I havent dyed yet, along with the Celtic Knots charts to make me some kick ass socks. Certainly not a sweater, but much better than having the materials and doing NOTHING with them.
• I need to get my hands on a copy of Elizabeth Lavold’s Viking Patterns for Knitters. I specifically want to see how she did mitered corners with cabled patterns, and then I want the book to go away. It looks as thought it’s trapped in my library system until the end of time, and I’m too impatient for that. I may just buy the damn thing, but I just don’t know if it’s worth the $15 I can get it for. Anyone out there with this book have anything good to say?

Pictures of something soon, I promise.

And there you have it. I have become the most boring person in the universe. I need a drink!

Flargh

I know it’s not a word, but it’s sooo how I feel right now. Nothing new to show and tell. You all may feel free to pelt me with stones for not responding to your comments in a timely and polite manner. I suck, I know. Truth be told, I don’t know my head from my ass anymore! Finals are this week, which means lots of cramming and relearning info that I’d previously only remembered long enough to pass a single exam. You know what I’m talkinig about. Hmm? The point? Oh, it’s that I sincerely appreciate your comments, and they are not going unnoticed.

Knitting Front

Heather’s sock will not grow. I’ve decided that the laws of physics are eating the yarn, or something. I’m half tempted to throw a tantrum and mail poor Heather one finished sock and one barely finished sock still on the needles. I’m thinking that she’d hire someone here in the states to harpoon me with dpns, however, so I won’t be doing that. ;-)

I’ve, fortunately, convinced a friend of mine that fug-fur is indeed fug, and that Riattro is really as novelty as anyone should ever get. This pleases me to no end as she commisioned a scarf from me and she wanted “classy novelty yarn”. And by “classy novelty” she meant fug-fur. *shivers* Yeah, I don’t know where I’m going with this. I’m not knitting fug-fur.

The new Interweave came to my house today. I’m sure plenty of you have seen the preview already. I have mixed feelings on this issue, as I did on the last one. I don’t know what’s going on over at IK, but the picture quality has really been going down the hill. It seems they’re going for more of the artsy blurry shots than anything clear and usable. It’s hard to tell whether I like half of the patterns or not! Hell, Vogue uses models that are painted to look like cracked out dryads in fucked up geometric scenes straight out of a Seusian acid trip, and yet they manage to provide clear photos of the knitted pieces, so why can’t IK? That being said, I think that I like the Cambrige Jacket. The picture sucks, but it’s easy enough to see what it looks like. I have 8 skeins of Cascade Sierra floating around that might work quite well for that piece. I just not sure… Maybe if the picture weren’t taken in the broom closet of a coffee shop I’d be able to tell better. Whatever.

Well, I’m off to study for finals. Good luck to those who are in the same boat as me, final-wise.

A real post with pictures and everything!

WARNING: Terribly disjointed post following. Forgive lack of proper continuity.

Lordy it’s been too long. I’m sure I said it before, but I had always thought that the people whose knitting blogs that I came across that always went on hiatus when school was in session were just being silly. Oh how wrong I was! It’s odd, the little free time I do have now, I just don’t really want to spend doing anything. I want to do NOTHING. Who knew that thinking and learning could tear you up so easily.

It appears as though I will definitely be failing trig, which is terribly disappointed as I KNOW it(trig I mean), so therefore can’t understand why I’m doing so poorly. I’ll chalk it up to being rusty and take it over this summer. I’m almost thinking this is one of those cases of a student’s learning style clashing with a teacher’s teachng/test style. IF I were tested on what we actually did for homework, I think I’d be okay, but as it is the tests are on hypothetical advanced equations that are briefly looked at here and there during lecture.

But yeah, there has been a little bit of knitting going on around here. I finally started Heather’s other sock, though I’m stuck in one of those “knit for 3 hours and still only have 2 inches” type time tears.

I swear, it’s going to be done before summer hits. These socks are so meant for spring that I HAVE to finish them before then.

I also randomly decided to knit a little purse thingy (for no discernable reason) out of some Daria Multi.

Sorry for the asstastic shot. I could not get this thing to photograph well at all. I don’t know what I could do to make it do what it’s supposed to, but there it is. All I have left to do to finish it is sew on a button, and weave in the ends. This will likely sit unfinished until I find a groovy button to go with it. I’ve no idea who’s going to be getting the bag when it’s done, though.

That birthday I mentioned? It was my mom’s 50th. I appreciate all of the belated birthday wishes none-the-less, however. It was the usual affair, family members every where, dinner blah blah blah, but I made the cake! Her favorite cake in the world is a white cake filled with strawberries with a whipped cream frosting (no, not cool whip). Considering that I made this cake with far from professional tools, a limited ammount of time, and while hung-over, I’m very pleased with the way it came out.

Most importantly, my mom loved it, and that’s all that really matters. By the way? If you ever get the chance, DO make your own whipped cream. It kicks the shit out of Cool Whip any day of the week.

I received a super fabulous package in the mail from the wondrous Mrs M. This is too delicious, and yes, you should be jealous.

Folk socks by Nancy Bush (as you can plainly see, and once again, I cannot recommend this book enough) two delicious skeins of Footpath sock yarn(this stuff is simply delish, and coincidentally in one of my fave colours) and a delish ball of Guernsey 5 ply. And as if that wasn’t fabulous enough, check this out:

She had Folk Socks inscribed for me by Nancy Bush herself! Too cool, huh? It’s hard to adequately show the appreciation that such a gift deserves through typed media, but rest assured, I am glowing inside (still). Thanks again, M!

I can’t believe I haven’t blogged about this already, but last month I went up to Viroqua to visit Kindred Threads. I happened upon them while looking for places that actually selll spinning wheels that may be close to me (I wanted to meet a few in person), and I have to say that it’s quite a lovely shop. Though the spinning wheel selection wasn’t fabulous, I now know that I definitely don’t want a Louet or Schact. The fiber selection, however, was fantastic. Most of the fibers to be had were locally grown and processed (local anything always pleases me to no end) and dyed there in the shop itself. There were plenty of lovely handspun yarns for sale as well, along with the usual high-end yarns you’d expect to see in a decent yarn shop. I would definitely tell anyone that’s visiting this area to head on over. The owner (whose name escapes me at the moment) was very “earthy” and a delight to speak with. Though I drooled muchly, I only came away with two balls of roving.

The one on the left is hand dyed merino (about 6 oz, I believe), and the one on the right is a delicious natural brown corriedale (roughly 3.5 oz). The prices are rediculously cheap ( I believe I payed $17 for everything I got), and Tipper? They have TONS of alpaca. Just another reason for you to come back this way, babe.

Okay, I think that about covers everything I need to say at the moment. As everyone else seems to be shitting themselves over daffodils pushing their ugly little yellow heads out of the ground, thus heralding spring I think I should share the bit of spring that I have occuring in my kitchen.

This sweet little thing went to sleep for the winter and is now awakening for the spring. What is she, you might ask? Deadly Nightshade.

Hope you all have a good weekend!

Holy shit

It’s been almost a freaking month since my last post! There’s been knitting, and living, and failing and tests, and not-sleeping, and baking, and a birthday, and fabulous packages recieved, and more (oh my!).

But, this is one of those not-sleeping 72 hour periods, so I’ll be arsed if I can keep my eyes focused long enough to tell you all about it. I have 2 exams coming up, but I swear there will be a post before friday.

Oh, and a PSA before I head out:

If you aspire to do magical things with socks then you NEED Folk Socks by Nancy Bush. NO really, you do. It’s magically delicious in every way you can possibly think and then some!