Anything you want is justified

I recently (days ago) made an outrageously priced purchase in which I found myself making excuses for myself to somehow justify the price. The item in question was an amazon kindle 2, so I found myself saying things like, “Oh, I’ll reduce my carbon footprint by not buying books”, “I’ll save SO much space by not having more books lying around”, “the cost of books on the kindle is substantially cheaper for new releases”, “I can download textbooks on it so it can be used for classes and/or references!”, etc. Sure, I could have bought the nearly half-priced Sony Reader, but I was able to talk myself out of that one by telling myself that they didn’t have nearly half the selection of books that amazon has (lies really, since Sony has open format reading and could offer a larger selection). In the end it occurred to me that if I wanted the damn thing bad enough to make excuses for the purchase that I should just get the damn thing and have no regrets about it.

And that brings us to you, the reader. I know there’s something that you want so bad that it hurts you to see it in the hands of another person. I know that you’ve managed to talk yourself out of it as either impractical, too expensive, or something that you don’t have room for. I know that you secretly research it ad nauseum to both pine over not having it and to look for the teeny flaws in it that others have noted that will somehow make you think that you don’t want it. I know that right now you’re thinking of that item and how nice it would be if it were yours. I know that it’s driving you insane that Darla, that bitch from accounting, has one and she doesn’t even deserve it as much as you.

So, to make your purchase easier I have decided to address all of these concerns for you in a way that will surely justify your purchase and give you greater happiness in owning material goods.

1. How can you not deserve something that you want? You’re not 5 anymore. No one can withhold anything that you truly desire. Just buy the damn thing!

2. Who gives a shit what other people have not liked about it? What do YOU like about it? That’s all that really matters. Screw those other naysayers. Just buy the damn thing!

3. Nothing is ever too big, too impractical or too expensive. You can always make room, make excuses (like you need to), or make more money later. Just buy the damn thing!

4. Keep thinking about it! Only now that you’re thinking about it, get out your fricking credit card and just buy the damn thing!

5. Screw that bitch from accounting. You and I both know that she had to blow someone to get it. Hell, she probably drinks the blood of babies and hurts puppies for fun! You know you deserve it WAY more than that c**t. Just buy the damn thing!

6. If you’re still making excuses–JUST BUY THE DAMN THING!!!!!!

7. How many lives are you planning to live? I hear you hippies yelling about reincarnation–shut the hell up! I mean how many lives that you can remember living??? One? Cuz that’s all you’ve got at the moment. Just buy the damn thing!!!

8. And finally, just buy the damn thing!

I hope this helped you to justify your purchase–no matter how outlandish it is. If anyone questions your judgment just tell them that, “Bobby said it’s fine, and f**k you anyways”.