Plate Rape

It’s vulgar but its true, dining etiquette has been thrown out the window for the new fad in eating–Plate Rape. Plate Rape makes those of us with even a modicum of civility in our veins cringe and grow slightly nauseous while we are trying to dine. The constant open mouth chewing, finger sucking, vacuum like consumption, and apparent lack of a napkin leads me to believe that Plate Rape is mankind’s way of reclaiming their primal hunter-gatherer instincts when presented with that rarest of commodities–food.

I know a lot of Plate Rapists and I know that you do too. It will surprise many of you to know that they are not cavemen or Mongols recently thawed from a slab of ice but actual human beings that were born and raised in the last century. I say this because I have to keep reminding myself of such when I am dining with them.

The biggest crime of the Plate Rapist, other than their abominable table manners, is their ability to make you feel as though you have to rush through your meal as well. They finish their meal when it hits the table and then look at you as though you’ve sprouted testicles on your forehead because you’re still chewing your first bite! So, invariably, you begin to gobble your meal as well. You don’t chew as fully as you would like and the flavors, the flavors being the primary reason you ordered or made what you are eating, fly by your senses quicker than the fluctuations of Oprah’s waistline.

It would appear that there is no cure for Plate Rape. I mean, you could avoid the Plate Rapists in your life, but that is easier said than done and we all know it. Dining etiquette is not something that is easily forced upon anyone but the young, and most adults are insulted if you dare to comment upon their dining habits. I think a Clockwork Orange solution would almost be the best.

Is Plate Rape a result of a world with an overabundance of convenience foods that you can buy ready-made, read-to-be-nuked-and-eaten-in-minutes, and wrapped and cooked in nanoseconds by a pimply teenager or ex-con? Has the decrease in time to make such shit food made Plate Rapists decrease their appreciation for food? I have no idea nor do I care. I just want these f***ing slobs to take a breath, chew their food, appreciate the subtle textures and flavors inherent and for the love of Emily Post, use a damned napkin!